Members Login
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Consumer Maxi Pad Letter

Celestial Moderator

Status: Offline
Posts: 367
Consumer Maxi Pad Letter

This had me in stitches laughing because it is oohhhh ssoooo true! ~L

Subject: Consumer Maxi Pad Letter

Date: Mon, 27 Aug 2007 02:23:58 +0000

It says it's a real letter...don't know, but even if not, it's funny.

This is an actual letter sent to Proctor and Gamble from Wendi Aarons,

Austin, TX, regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after

the first paragraph.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and I

appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak GuardCore(tm) or

Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa

dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in

tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary


Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is

that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel

each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"?

I'm guessing you haven't.

Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already

feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body.

Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed

into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.

Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen

quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'

monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating,

puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,

crying, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time

for most women.

In fact, only last week, my friend Jenni fer fought the violent urge to shove

her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told

her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just

crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the

reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach

inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and

there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy


Are you ****ing kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain

really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during

a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?

Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be

anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin

and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to

the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your

life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a

moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something

that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular

Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,

there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my

maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your

Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull

****. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.


Wendi Aarons

Austin, TX


Global Moderator

Status: Offline
Posts: 639


Page 1 of 1  sorted by
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.

Tweet this page Post to Digg Post to

Create your own FREE Forum
Report Abuse
Powered by ActiveBoard