As usual, when I disappear it means life has gotten totaly nutso!

I got my car back from the repair shop (YAY!) and it's been a huge relief to have it back in my possession.  I missed my little zippy blue baby.

And I... quit my job.


Everything was great, I loved it, I love what I did, I love the people I worked with, I loved our whole philosophy. No, my numbers weren't quite up to everyone else's but I had been told from day one that any potential was FOSTERED... that they would retrain, assist, give new tools, give more time, leave as temp until the numbers matched the potential.

I asked for more help, I asked for more training and I kept doing exactly as I'd been told to do in training.  I made calls.  I made call after call after call.  I averaged between 600-800 in a WEEK.  And in a week i got MAYBE 30 people on the phone.

2 weeks ago, my direct manager pulled me into the office at the end of my day and we had a "chat."  It boiled down to this exact wording,

"The thing is, we're going to be making decisions this week, and honestly, I'm leaning towards no."


Color me stunned.  Never had I heard of someone just... getting fired.  Not when they're a temp, not with 3 days notice!  It was INSANE.  So I flat out asked him.. if the answer is no, am I gone by Friday?  He looked at me, shrugged and said, "well, yes."

I was totally floored.  And it became very clear to me why I hadn't been getting the help I'd asked for.  My manger didn't believe I had it.  He didn't believe in me, didn't think I could do it.  

He was wrong.  I know he was wrong.  But I also decided that I would rather LEAVE on my own, than wait to be fired.  So the next day I went in and I packed up EVERYTHING.  I had my desk all packed and most of it already loaded in the car when my manger's manager came by to ask me for a favor.

I didn't want to say yes to something I wouldn't be there to do, and my manager hadn't shown up yet so I said instead, "Can I talk to you?"

Went to her office and told her everything that had happened.  Said I understood from a number's standpoint, but that also I felt I hadn't gotten the help or the tools I needed to be successful.  She agreed and said, what if you stay until the end of September enrollment, and then we re-evaluate.  And my response was, "Obviously I want to stay.  I love this job, I love what we do, I believe in what we do, and I believe I can be insanely successful here.  But I also have to look at the fact that I will be going back to a manager who doesn't believe I can do it.  And that's huge."

I decided to go back to my desk, take a break, do some work and think it over.  I agreed to tell her my decision later that afternoon.  I went upstairs to take a break with some friends from another team and they encouraged me to stick it out, they helped me out with some information, and some of the tools I'd been asking for since training!  I felt confident that I could make it work.

But in the 2 weeks after deciding to stay... nothing changed.  My manager didn't give me the extra help I'd been promised, I got ONE additional training session from the training dept, and I had in the back of my head this mantra of... he doesn't think I can do it.

And it's my fault, for letting it get to me.  I've never let anyone tell me I couldn't do something before... but it bothered me.  I've also never worked from someone who didn't believe in me.  And it was exhausting.  Because I was fighting as much to prove him WRONG, as I was to save my job... which I loved.  And Tuesday was just... it.

I left at 4pm with a massive migraine (which I haven't had in over a year), and I just coulnd't handle it anymore.  I was miserable doing something I LOVE because I was so stressed and feeling unsuccesful and unaided, and abandoned by the one person who is supposed to be fighting for my success... my manager.

So Wednesday I went back, I packed up and I told everyone I was leaving.  I talked with my manager and I left... AFTER telling him that he needed to know his part in my decision.  That I would never have left, had never considered that I couldn't do the job... until he told me didn't think I could do the job.

I said what I needed to say... and he listened (but didn't really HEAR me), and I said goodbye to my friends, gave some people my phone number, and left the building.  Called my temp representative, and told her I was available and needed a new job.

And now, I'm sitting in a public library, filling out applications (some for Retail!  GASP!!), waiting for the next right thing to come along.  So pray for me.  Because I'm tired, and stressed (and broke of course) and not sure where my car payment will come from and I'm depressed because it seemed like for the first time, I had found a job that was MADE for me... that was perfect for my personality and I gave it up because someone else imposed a ceiling above my head that I could not break through.  I want so much for someone to call and say you know what, he was wrong, I know you can do this, and I'm going to help you come back and be the success I know you can be.

But it won't happen.  So pray that the next thing is the right thing, and that it comes along quickly.

And hopefully I'll be back online a little more often if nothing else.  At least now I have a place to go and surf while I work on finding a new job... god bless the public library system.